I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
