but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Two words: nipple clamps
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