If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
