Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
FUCK WHALES
I think my moral compass just broke
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