he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
