No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Two words: blizzard sex
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
