Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
