I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
