Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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