thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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