I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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