I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
