We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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