stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
