That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
