his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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