You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
