Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
