between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Someone shattered a urinal.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
