That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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