pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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