Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
