I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
