Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
