how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
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I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
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Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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