I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think your dad took our porno
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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