I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
