i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Randomize
