she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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