he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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