dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
