Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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