Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
