It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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