I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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