I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
