You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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