Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
