Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
smell my finger.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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