Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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