I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
