God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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