you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
