If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she looked like the before picture.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
