why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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