dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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