I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I lost the right to judge tonight
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
