I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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