no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.