There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
your room smells of hookers.
And success
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Alive.
So much puke
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
