these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
