why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I deserve this hangover.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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