no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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