Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
