my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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