Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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