meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
