So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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