he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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