idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
